Waiting

Crying:
all late afternoon forcing me to passing out around 7 and only waking up at 11:45 when Cara called me.

On my Knee's:
Praying to God why He would let this happen, What I am doing wrong, and to help me I can't do it anymore.

Forgiveness:

On my knee's praying for forgiveness from the LORD because I wasn't giving fully my life to him. I hadn't fully given up on what HE told me to because that was the very first person I went to when things fell a part.

The boy:
If ever he had let me down before, this stung worse than anything else done to me from him before. I was heart broken, all I wanted was to cuddle with him and have him tell me everything was going to be okay. That God would work it all out, and I need to rely on HIM. He didn't respond, and he let me down. I felt stupid for relying on him, for loving him, for thinking he could care about me at all. Why would he? I'm not as pretty as some of those other girls, or smart, or old as, or cool. Why would he ever look at or care for me?

The Lord:
Showed me that HE is the only one that can fully fulfill my need for comfort. HE wants me to LOVE HIM fully, and to hold HIM. HE will cuddle me on the couch and tell me everything will be okay because HE is the only one I can rely on. HE will take care of me, HE knows the future, HE wants me to be submissive to him. HE will provide.

The Story:

How did I come to this blessed realization? What chain of events led to this conclusion?

At 4:10pm yesterday afternoon I was feeling pretty confident in the Lord. It was getting crazy in the office, and people where on my nerves. My phone rang and I decided to answer it, it was the landlord. Telling me I owe $400 dollars immediately for pet fee's. I don't have the money I explained so they gave me to the 16th of May. Less than 1 month. to come up with the money. I'm barely making it as is. All my "money" is going to my credit debt. I don't even have enough for living expenses. My "big" tax refund...has to all go back because my parent's messed up and decided to claim. And that big $600.00 stimulous money...they claimed me so I don't get it.

I was bitter towards my parents for not being able to help me. I was bitter towards the land lord because they already have more than half my pay check every month. I was bitter towards my mother for not being compassionate.

I prayed God would forgive me , mostly because I didn't want to become bitter towards God and I felt my self going there. All of sudden I didn't feel anything. I didn't hear anything. I wanted to sleep.

I posted before about how God told me to give up the boy, well now I know I wasn't giving it fully to HIM. A small part of me still wanted the boy, just now I wasn't freaking out every 5 minutes when I didn't hear from him.

There is nothing I can do now, but continually be in prayer and have the Lord take it all.

HE will work it out.


The two power verses from the P31 devotional this morning where perfect reflection of my heart.

Psalm 130:5, " I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Psalm 119:81-82, " My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word. My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, 'When will you comfort me?"

I have full confidence God will work it all out.
I just need prayer, that HE will continue to hold my hand down this rocky path.

Love Peace & Joy
Ashley Marie