Hurricane's

As hurricane season building, the one in my life just hit.

Angry.

I am so angry with life and more specifically him.

For the first time in my life I was mean. Just flat out down dirty mean. I told him I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with him and I never want to see him again.

It came out of no where. I had been 7 months, waiting, not so patiently at times. Usually keeping my cool. Occasionally I would lash out, mostly cry. Never said anything like that to him though. I was the only one that said He was worth it. I was the only one that stood up for him in a crowd. I told everyone he was just "struggling." When he told me about his new girlfriend, and the truth about everything revealed. I lost it.

He claims to not understand why.

On one hand, yes I'm jealous because he is talking to someone else other than me. Some girl won his attention. He had already broken my heart months ago. He was still very close to my heart.

On the other, he broke my trust in our friendship. Everything was lie, I had started to build my life around our friendship. Around his touring, and visiting. It destroyed me.

He helped me become a better person. The day I know he is returning home, I cleaned the house, was getting ready to bake. Looked up new recipes. No one could put me down because I was on cloud 9. I was ready for him to come home, even as friends he meant the world to me.

I told him I wish we had never met, never dated, never talked, and never tried to be friends.

I still do.

I feel like I can never trust anyone again, like I never want to. I tore down so many walls for him I shouldn't have. I opened my self up and stopped being bitter. I did it so slowly.

Guarded. I wasn't guarded enough. I don't want to open up. I don't want to ever be open to anyone else.

I feel like every part of me was tore out, not only did my reputation as being kind hearted , loving, supportive, fall a part once I ushered those hurtful words. I feel like everything innocent, and genuine thing about me was ripped away.

What the saddest most pathetic part is...I miss him most of all. I honestly am angry because because I can't cope with the fact that he isn't going to be around. My stomach drops, my body ackes, I can't even lift my head up all the way.

I can't eat and I've falling a sleep to old Sinatra movies the past several nights.

I'm lost in words and feelings, and I feel like all I can do is be angry and then cry all day.

What am I supposed to do?

As I wait for the Florida storms to approach and pass the one in my life is the deadliest one yet.